


Comfortably Numb

by Shorti



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Sparring as Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 13:30:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9125764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shorti/pseuds/Shorti
Summary: Steve doesn’t realise until she says it that he’s not angry Maria won’t choose a side. He’s angry she didn’t choose his side. Tony and Nat made their choice to assuage their guilt. Maria has only ever had duty. And if this is where duty has led her, than Steve is royally screwed. For the first time since he refused to sign the Accords, Steve’s not so sure he made the right choice.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BoyOhBoy_Pro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoyOhBoy_Pro/gifts).



> I'm sorry this is so long! You said Civil War and it got a little out of hand!

Whoever said that exposure builds resistance has never been at the receiving end of Maria's intense glare. As she stands before him, Steve can't help the scalding fury that suddenly ignites in his chest. It burns away some of the blackness that coats his heart like tar where memories of Bucky are buried. Bucky left behind scar tissue. Peggy left behind a chasm of regret. Maria will leave an open wound, one he’s not sure how to close.

It figures that just when he’s close to getting his best friend back, he’s going to lose his best girl in the process.

“How long have you known this was coming?”

“It’s not rocket science, Steve,” Maria says, eyes forward, hands clasped behind her back. “Did you really think they were going to let you operate unchecked forever?”

“Stay with us.”

“Sign the Accords. Nothing is set in stone. The semantics can be worked out but the world needs reassurance that the Avengers are worth more than the sum of the collateral damage.”

“You and I both know that governing bodies have their own agenda.”

“And when that agenda rears its head you have every right to refuse.”

“It’s that easy huh? Just like it was with S.H.I.E.L.D? Just like H.Y.D.R.A?”

He regrets the insinuation as soon as her lips press into a hard line. “It wasn’t perfect, Captain,” she says. “But it’s all us little people had.”

That’s as personal as she allows it to become before she picks up the duffel bag.

"You're leaving.” Not a question. “In the middle of all this.”

"You're in the middle of this,” Maria says, jaw set, mouth stretched thin. "I have other…priorities.”

And that’s just it. No matter what, her other priorities will always come first. Before him. Before them. His head recognises what his heart resolutely refuses to accept. That she was never really his.

He takes a step forward, hands resting on either side of her neck. Her pulse is frantic beneath his fingers but it doesn’t translate into her expression. She’s mastered her poker face. He lifts her head so that she’s looking into his eyes. She pulls away resolutely and takes a step backwards.

His next words are spat out through gritted teeth. “Are they your priorities or S.H.I.E.L.D’s?"

“Is what you’re doing for the good of the enhanced or simply for Bucky? Is he worth what’s going to happen?” She asks.

Steve doesn’t realise until she says it that he’s not angry Maria won’t choose a side. He’s angry she didn’t choose _his_ side. Tony and Nat made their choice to assuage their guilt. Maria has only ever had duty. And if this is where duty has led her, then Steve is royally screwed. For the first time since he refused to sign the Accords, Steve’s not so sure he made the right choice.

And then the blow that stings his soul like a thousand lashing whips. “You can’t be Captain America and the kid from Brooklyn at the same time. Not anymore.”

He can only stare blankly as she walks calmly out of the facility and then for hours at the spot where she tore his heart out.

* * *

Maria doesn’t intimidate easily, but if ever there was someone to set her nerves on edge it would be Ayo of the Dora Milaje.  The other woman is about Maria’s height but that’s where the physical comparisons end. From the tips of her stilettos to the dark stubble on her shaved head, Ayo moves with the feline grace of a big cat.

“Agent Hill,’ Ayo says in greeting. Her arms rest on either side of her hips. The fitted, sleeveless dress she wears leaves no room for concealed weapons. Maria has a feeling Ayo doesn’t need assistance to defend herself. “His highness is indisposed.”

“I can imagine,” Maria says. “Hunting an innocent man tends to take its toll eventually.”

“You believe Barnes is innocent?”

Maria shrugs. “I find it hard to believe a man who has evaded capture for years would allow himself to be photographed.”

“Everyone makes mistakes.”

“The Winter Soldier isn’t just anyone.”

“So you come to plead for his life? For the sake of your lover?” Ayo's face barely moves but Maria catches the slight creasing of her brow nonetheless. Disappointment. Like she had expected more from Maria. Nobody ever expects more from Maria. Her reaction to that disappointment is – interesting. That Ayo knows about Maria and Steve only serves to cement Maria’s conviction that choosing her was the right move. Maria might be unenhanced, unpowered, and forgettable, but she knows security. And she knows how those in security think.

“Barnes’ life is inconsequential. As all our lives will be if we keep engaging our resources in these petty squabbles.”

The other woman smiles this time. Gleaming white teeth set against ebony skin. Breathtaking it’s in ferocity. Maria squares her shoulders.

“Why Wakanda?” Ayo says. “Why now?” If ever there was a test of the trust SHIELD has instilled in her, that question pinpoints it.

“Not just now,” Maria says. “As you know, the agency has attempted to hold negotiations with T’Chaka for decades. We have hope that with Wakanda’s step back into the modern world, that T’Challa might be more receptive.”

Ayo circles around Maria like a predator. But Maria isn’t easy prey. Not by a long shot. When their eyes meet once more, the black and the blue reach an understanding.

“Tell me what you know.”

“Something’s coming for us. SHIELD has reason to believe that the vibranium asteroid didn’t crash land in Wakanda by accident. We would like not to be on the back foot for once.”

What Maria doesn’t expect is for the welcome mat to be rolled out for her. The plan was to open up a dialogue and then have Fury swoop in to negotiate. But Ayo makes it clear there will be no negotiations without Maria.

“Come,” Ayo says one morning. “We will see what Maria Hill of S.H.I.E.L.D can do in a fight.”

Maria almost groans. “Unlike some people, I don’t need to stick my head into the lion’s mouth to know that it’ll bite me.”

Ayo literally growls.

* * *

When Steve makes the call for help, there’s a part of him that futilely hopes Maria will be the one to answer it. He’s attempted to make contact half dozen times since Bucky went back under the ice but everywhere he turns, it leads to a dead end.

That’s why instead of Maria, he gets a rather unimpressed Nick Fury and an impassive Phil Coulson as his backup. Unfortunately, breaking into the raft and getting the team out is the least of Steve’s problems. Fury pages him when they’re on the jet headed back towards Wakanda. Steve shuts the cockpit door and it slams ominously.

Silence stretches out for too many heartbeats.

At first, Steve thinks Coulson’s reserved demeanor is a result of his beyond death experience, but there’s something off about this. They’ve met since Phil’s rebirth and that time he was all hero worship.

“How long until we reach Wakandan shores?” Steve asks, just for something to say.

“A long time,” Coulson says. His eyes remain deadlocked on the windscreen.

Alarm bells ring in Steve’s head.

“Let me tell you a story to pass the time,” Fury offers. “Once upon a time, an old man had a bunch of kids. Special kids, each unique in their own way.  Thought they knew everything. Could never be told what to do. All except one of them. A girl. The old man saw that she was reliable. Dedicated. So he poured his attention into his other kids while all the responsibility went to the girl. In time, he had thought she would take over for him. What he didn’t count on was that she was smarter than he was. She saw beyond his limited vision for their little family and she could put duty first before everything else. He realised too late that everything he’d put on her shoulders crippled her. That the dutiful mask would eventually become her true face. So that the world disregarded her without knowing how much she’d sacrificed to save them. Then one day the girl and one of the other kids fell in love. The old man thought maybe this would be her respite. Instead, the boy went and put his pride before her. He did what everyone else in her life had done. He let her walk away because like the others, he was special and she wasn’t. Now the old man might be half blind, but he hears things. One of those things is that the boy is trying to contact her again. Maybe he’s realised the error of his ways. Maybe he finally understands her worth. Or maybe, he thinks he can just pick up exactly where he left off just because he’s completed his mission. It doesn’t really matter, does it Coulson?”

“No, Sir.”

“So the old man’s thinking, what do I do in this situation? If the girl finds out that he’s interfering, she’ll hang his weathered ass out to dry. Lord knows she doesn’t need protecting. He’ll never admit it to her face but she’s always been his favourite. Now the man’s getting a bit long in the tooth but he’s not so old that he doesn’t have muscles to flex. And he still has a lot of friends. Even better still, that punk of a boy went and got his weapons confiscated. He and his friends are on the world’s most wanted list. So if he wanted to, if the boy does something monumentally stupid and hurts his girl again, the old man is going to rain down hell on him.”

“It’s a good story,” Coulson says, slicing through Steve’s stunned composure.

Steve backtracks out of the cockpit without a word. To his dismay, Fury disembarks with them. It takes Steve way too long to realise why.

By then T’Challa is signalling for Steve to join him. “Come,” the king says. “Ayo wishes for us to see the _iliso_ fight.”

“ _Iliso_?”

“Yes Captain. She came as an emissary for S.H.I.E.L.D. My aids have given her the nickname _iliso_. The eye.”

 “Son of a bitch.” He’ll wash his own mouth out later.

* * *

She hurts everywhere. Maria’s beginning to think Ayo’s prolonging the negotiations just so she can continue kicking Maria’s ass. The crowd dispersed half an hour ago but Maria is still lying supine in the ring, trying to decide which part of her aches more. It’s not because during Ayo’s acrobatic flip that had Maria on her back, she looked up and caught sight of a blue-eyed ghost. It’s definitely not because she’s apprehensive about stepping outside the training facility in case he catches her alone. And it sure as hell isn’t because the millisecond glimpse of him had burned through the barrier of ice she froze around her heart.

“Shall I call for medical assistance?” Ayo asks. She steps back into the ring and tosses a towel over Maria’s face.

Maria lifts herself up on her elbows and then rather slowly into a crouch. There’s not much of it, but she’s still got some pride. And because she’s only a little annoyed at current circumstances, she can’t help making an observation.

“Don’t you get tired of constantly beating me?”

Ayo lowers herself to the mat, long legs crossing into a mediation pose. “You don’t beat an opponent who continues to get back up,” she says. “Most of the others I only have to beat two or three times before they stop wanting to fight me.”

“Maybe I’m too stupid to get it.”

The other woman shrugs. “Overthinking is often the thing which steals away our happiness.”

“We were talking about fighting, not happiness.”

“Sometimes they are the same thing.”

Bloody Wakandans. It’s like living in a country full of Peppers.

* * *

He finally catches up with her a week later in the courtyard outside her room. If it wasn’t already clear that she’s avoiding him, the almost imperceptible twist of her hips as she tries to find an alternative route does it. When it becomes unavoidable, Steve can almost see the transformation that regresses her into the Maria Hill that first encountered him after he was thawed from the ice.

“Is there something you needed, Captain?”

 _You_ , he wants to say, and then, _I’m not a Captain anymore_ , but the words disintegrate on his tongue. Not least because he hasn’t quite figured out whether he still deserves her. Which makes asking the question he needs to ask all the more awkward. If he could, he’d have gone to Fury. But all he’d gotten in that department was a very stern, narrowed eye.

_“You know who the liaison is,” Fury had said. “Some of us don’t just drop our obligations when it suits us.”_

“Clint says you’ve been able to relocate Laura and the kids,” Steve says. Eyes forward, focus on something other than the purple and yellow bruise on her jaw that he wants to brush tenderly with his thumb. “I was wondering if…”

“Agent Carter…Sharon, has been accounted for. She’s been given the details on how to make contact with you should she require it.”

He’s not sure what he was hoping for. Anger perhaps, to prove she’s still invested in them.  Jealously maybe, to prove she still cares about him. Pity even, to temper the apology he wants to make but can’t seem to find the words for.

He uses his arm to block her when she attempts to take the path around him.

As he watches, her lashes flutter once. When her eyes meet his, Steve begins to contemplate the nature of fear. He’s faced bullies, Nazis, Hydra agents and his best friends turned enemy, but he has no defense against this unenhanced woman. Her features are crystalline, unbreakable in their composure. Terror lances through him and settles into sadness. Something tells him there’s no going back. He recognizes the look she gives him because he’s seen it directed at her a hundred times from people who had no right to judge. Disappointment.

The last vestige of hope in his heart wants badly to call out her name as she stalks away, but his head knows she won’t answer to Maria anymore.

* * *

T’Challa wasn’t kidding when he said two people in a room can get more done than a hundred. Often times, he forgoes the room altogether and invites Maria to take a walk around the grounds. Always, a pair of bodyguards shadow him from afar.

He smiles as Maria taps absently on her tablet, perpetually taking notes of anything she deems worth following up. There is a moment when her attention is so focused on the device and he fears she’ll walk right into the low hanging branch of a jacaranda tree. At the last minute she swerves her head to the side and continues walking.

“It must be tiresome to keep track of everything all the time,” he observes.

Maria shrugs. “You get used to it. Jane Foster continues to be out of communications reach so contact with Erik Selvig has been made. Preparations are underway for the setup of his laboratory. It would have been nice to have Bruc…Doctor Banner in residence but given his last encounter with civilisation we’ve decided to keep him as a long distance consultant.”

T’Challa nods, his stride becoming purposeful. “All this time you knew where Thor and Doctor Banner were but you didn’t feel it necessary to share this information.”

Not this again. She’s had this conversation with Clint and Sam in revolving circles ever since they arrived. They hadn’t questioned her as much as made incredulous statements until Maria pointed out that the very same duplicity was being utilised to hide Laura and the kids and to keep Sam’s family from being interrogated.

“We will share what needs to be shared,” Maria says, a note of finality in her tone. There’s a part of her that knows she should be more reverent around a monarch but once a giant, green monster bellows in your face, it’s hard to get worked up over mere titles.

They pass a band of dignitaries who have arrived for post coronation celebrations being led through the grounds by Nakia. The group bow to T’Challa and he returns the gesture. Though his movement is fluid, Maria can’t help noticing the balling of his fists, tucked behind his back. He in turn notices her scrutiny but doesn’t mention it until they happen upon the former Avengers sparring in the open air arena.

Maria knows that neither her expression nor her body language give away the sudden jolt that flashes through her at the sight of Rogers. She’s had enough time to perfect her outward display. Inwardly though, her jaw clamps down hard, annoyance overriding desire, at her inability to purge him from her system.

“From a very young age my father taught me the responsibilities of being king,” T’Challa says, steering her away. “Even though I knew one day I would take the crown, it never once occurred to me that it would happen so suddenly. He was the wise one, the kind one, the peace maker.”

“You seem to be doing remarkably well so far.” A hundred steps away from the arena and she can begin to think properly again.

“I do the best I can. But already there are some who expect me to be the man my father was. Ayo and Nakia will defend me to the death against my enemies but they don’t know my greatest fear is not living up to their expectations. The crown and the Panther are mantles but underneath I’m just a man.”

“If you put on the mask of the Black Panther you should know what you’re in for.”

“Agreed. But sometimes the man makes mistakes. Nobody can help that.”

She doesn’t like where this is going one bit.

“I’m not punishing him for his mistakes,” Maria says, her tone clipped.

“Then why is he the only one you refuse to speak to? He did not force the others. Underneath the shield, he is just a man after all. Can you still see beneath the shield? Or is it too hard to live with the man when the hero makes mistakes?”

It’s like being dressed down by a very calm drill sergeant. Worse, because his collected composure digs at her in a way yelling never could. Maria thought her days in a military structure were over. Guess not.

* * *

Maybe Maria was right all along and he’s not the kid from Brooklyn anymore because when T’Challa takes him aside at the coronation ball and issues what can only be interpreted as a command, it chafes more than a little.

“End this foolishness, Captain,” the king says. “It’s not a good look that the leader of the Avengers and the woman I want to put up to the panel of the Accords cannot even be in the same room together.”

There are so many tiny detonations in Steve’s head at that sentence that it takes him too long to formulate a response. When he does, it comes out slightly petulant. Steve believes in her too, more than most, but he can’t offer her anything she'll take anymore.

“She’ll resist you.”

T’Challa only grins. “I believe my tenacity will wear her down. In the meantime, if you do not work this out, I will be forced to have Ayo intervene.”

“That’s you told,” Sam says, coming up beside Steve.

“I’m glad one of us is having a good time.”

Sam hands him both glasses of wine as a symbolic gesture of support. Steve empties them just to keep Sam happy, though it does nothing to still the churning in his gut.

Maria slips out the side entrance just as he approaches the spot where she had been chatting to Erik Selvig.

“She went to take a phone call,” Erik says. Steve doesn’t even have time to contemplate whether the whole country knows about his problems. His enhanced hearing pinpoints her in the gazebo not far to the left of the entrance. Even at this distance he can catch some of her words. It’s the lightness to her tone that steals his breath away.

“I said no such thing Pep…no, do not do that, I swear if I get wind…” Her frustrated laugh as she hangs up the phone draws him like a moth to her flame. The night is lit only by sconces attached to the building and what little reflection there is from the waning moon. Steve’s sure his expression is darker than the shadows because he’s still smarting from the end of that conversation in which he’s pretty sure Pepper was trying to set Maria up on a date.

He won't let himself feel hope when she doesn’t immediate try to get away. T’Challa’s probably given her a talking to as well. There’s stiffness to her spine that tells him her natural inclination is to stand to attention. To put distance between them.

“Maria…I…” he starts.

“Gym,” she interrupts. “Ten minutes.” She disappears into the dark.

* * *

The first rap across his head tells him he needs to get serious about this because she’s not pulling her punches. Not that she did before but this time she’s had a month and a half of tutoring with the Dora Milaje. It’s a good thing they locked the door behind them because an audience right now might be very unfortunate.

The second jab hits him in the ribs right where Iron Man’s blasters had caught him. The injury has healed but the muscle memory causes him to flinch harder than from the force of the blow.

He catches the third attack, a hammering kick to the kneecap, before she can really connect. He pushes her away, thinking he’ll give himself a second to regroup but instead of keeping the distance between them, she charges forward. The manoeuvre sends him backwards towards the edge of the mat. He blocks one punch, ducks and sidesteps.

“Jeez,” he says. “You’re not kidding around.”

Her head snaps up, wild fury in those stormy blue eyes that have always made his breath catch. “When do I ever kid?”

She comes at him again, this time changing tactics and pushing him slowly towards the other edge. Maria might lack the physical prowess some of T’Challa’s bodyguards possess, but she knows him, knows his weaknesses and she sure as hell isn’t afraid to use them.

Steve’s never humoured her while they spar. He knows if she’s going to protect herself, he can’t wrap her in cotton wool. But he’s well and truly heaving for breath like never before when he finally pins her by her side, down on the mat, one leg coiled around hers, an arm slung around her chest. She makes one last ditch attempt to break out and then when it’s clear he’s in this for the long haul, Maria relaxes into the cage of his arms. He’s almost enjoying the unintended intimacy when she inhales sharply.

“Barnes.”

Something inside him shrivels. Steve turns towards the door where her attention is pinned and sees…nothing. In the instant when his guard is down, Maria pushes at his arm to free herself, spins so she’s facing him and slams her fist into his jaw.

He’s still reeling from the calculated deception as much as the physical blow when she crouches down beside him.

“I suppose it was too much to ask for you to have learned your lesson,” she says.

The majority of his irritation is directed at himself but the air between then is loaded with tension. “I don’t think I’m ever going to learn that lesson,” he says, voice brittle. “He’s all that I have left. The only one who won’t leave me when things get hard.”

“There would have been no convincing you.” She turns away and he reaches out, clasps his hand around her upper arm and drags her across the mat until she’s an inch away from him. He registers the flash of deviance in her posture, readies himself for a counter attack only for Maria to purse her lips in a way that makes him want to sink into them.

“You barely even tried,” he says. “You just decided that we weren’t worth it and you cut your losses.” Weariness seeps into his body but his grip on her remains immovable. She has a tendency to run, not from adversary, but from her own feelings. This time he’s not giving her a chance to flee.

“So if I had told you that bringing Wanda and Scott into this mess was a stupid idea you would have listened?”

“I would have considered it.”

She grunts in disbelief. “At least Tony has the decency to be remorseful.”

“What do you want me to say? I’m not sorry I tried to save my friend.” She struggles in his grasp and swallows hard when she can’t extricate herself. “But I am sorry for everything else. I…If you want me to go back, I will.”

A moment’s silence and then the sharp lines on her face soften just a fraction. “Why? Why now?”

“Because I don’t trust Ross. I’m not sure I even trust the United Nations. But I trust you.”

“Only until our missions diverge,” she snaps.

“Always.” He gives in to the burning desire that her closeness invokes, taking her lips in a slow kiss that barely whispers at his need for her. Maria stiffens at his touch, a gesture that kicks at his heart, but she doesn’t pull away. At least not until he lets go of her arm.

“Tomorrow,” she says, her voice thin. “0700. Let’s see if you can beat me first and then we’ll talk about going back.”

"As long as we do it together."

She glances back once on her way out and she doesn't smile but Steve swears the corner of her mouth lifts a little.


End file.
